Wednesday, September 29, 2010

SILENCE!


As many of you know, we are not our neighbors definition of 'the perfect neighbors'. We don't throw late night parties, we take care of our lawn, we don't blast our stereo...ever. However, we do have two dogs that take their role as 'Protectors of the McClelland Family' very seriously.

Intruders beware (whether you be a man, a bird, a spider, or a dandelion seed), if you come within a quarter mile of our home you will get an ear load. And if you so dare to step foot on this property, Lord be with you. No, our dogs would never attack anybody, but they would definitely obtain great joy out of causing you to become deaf.

Honestly, Smalls really wasn't that bad in that department. He only barked when he was either hungry, or someone truly was posing a threat. Notice how I write all of that in past tense. That's because this morning, we sold him.

No, not really. I'm quite positive Vada would murder me in my sleep if we sold Smalls while she was away. I write it in past tense because for the past week or so, once Kyle leaves for work in the morning, Smalls barks...and barks...and barks. Even though I repeatedly yell at him, shoot him with the air soft gun, and whack him with a rolled up and duct-taped JCPenny catalog he still continues with his little barking fit for at least the next three hours. What he is barking about, I haven't a clue.

Oh, and by the way, in addition to the tactics listed above, we have also tried the shock collar. That was a joke. Even though it appropriately zapped him when he barked, it failed to detect his high pitched yelps. And quite frankly, I'd rather listen to him bark than have my eardrums explode. But that's just me.

Alright, getting to the point, I caved yesterday and dished out a whopping $107.00 on a citronella collar. That's right, one hundred seven dollars! CHA-CHING! I wanted to vomit as I swiped my credit card (and this reaction, which I experience quite frequently, is why I am the Return Queen). This is my last attempt. If it doesn't work, we may have to find him a new home and keep Angel inside.

Speaking of which, we tried keeping them both inside a couple weeks ago. We gave them both really good baths one evening, which took about an hour and a half (ugh), and had a fairly decent night once Smalls was crated for bed (I don't even want to talk about the frustration he caused between bath time and bed time). The next morning, when we let them out to go potty, the first thing they ran for was the one mud spot in our entire back yard. Seriously?! I wanted to stab myself in the foot. Oh, and not only did they run through the mud, but they then proceeded to jump on each others backs. Fan-freakin'-tastic! So that was how that dream bubble was popped.

Back to the collar. I strapped that sucker on this morning and it was instant barking relief. The thing sprayed him in the chin once for barking, a couple times for whining, and every time he tried to shake the thing off. He's been walking around with his ears plastered to his skull ever since. Man, this thing is right up there with George Clooney on my list of greatest creations.

Since Smalls seems to cease his barking in the early afternoon, that is when I will transfer the collar to Angel. Because we all know she is the root of the barking problem, but she tends to be quiet until it's Broden's nap time. It's as if within the past week they have devised a plan as to how to drive everyone in the neighborhood insane, and it's as simple as taking turns barking.


P.S.

Yes, Ray and Kim, we should have listened to you sooner. My apologies oh wise ones. You could now tell me that jumping off of a cliff would solve the barking problem and I would do it.

No comments: